Self awareness is tough. It’s uncomfortable. It’s humbling. It’s often, frankly, embarrassing. Shame is a weird monster.

I, like so many people, make my list of things I want to accomplish in the new year. A fool’s shoddy blueprint to become the person I wish I were. Thin. Fit. Organized. With perfect liquid eyeliner every single time.

So yeah, those are all pretty superficial representations of who I want to be. And when it comes to communicating who I am to the world, they really don’t get the job done. Certainly not in comparison to the effort they require of me. And, as Wayne from Letterkenny says, “If you can be one thing, be efficient.” So what are the commitments I can make that will do better work for me?

You know what the trick is? Stop doing dumb shit.

In addition to my list of goals and commitments that are new or constructive, I also have my list of shit I want to leave behind. Here’s what we’re not doing: bringing our tired bullshit into 2023.

This is going to be difficult; it will require patience and consistency. It will require tenacity because slipping, reverting, regressing is easy to do and such a challenge to overcome. I’m sure my sisters would have more than a few things to add to this list (some of my close friends too), but here’s my draft:

• Stop: venting to a friend when I’m angry. I don’t think anyone benefits from this exercise. There’s no reason to burden a friend with my frustrations. It’s an indirect way to process anger that doesn’t often produce real understanding and usually has the potential for collateral damage. It can tax friendships, it can harm my reputation, and it provides a false sense of power. It’s a way to bolster self-righteousness and avoid personal introspection. A good friend, and I’m lucky to have these, will push back and force me to examine my anger and determine what genuine thoughts and emotions it’s masking. But this is work I should be doing on my own. When I do that work myself, I can create an opportunity to engage with my friend on a more intimate and genuine level. I know that there is value in letting off steam, but I want to prioritize the quality of my relationships and using friends to manage my temper is a poor investment.
• Stop: ruminating on painful or uncomfortable emotional experiences. It’s one thing to reflect on something confusing or baffling that can be worked through and potentially understood (like a philosophical problem or reading a novel in a second language), but dwelling on a conversation or experience because of the emotional response I had, spending time trying to rationalize or, worse, justify the emotional reaction is a total waste. Processing communication or thoughts in order to understand myself and identify areas where I can improve my cognitive abilities can be valuable. Ruminating on feelings of sadness, embarrassment, insult (etc.) is a waste or time and energy. To be clear, it is important to reflect and process. Ruminating is different. It is getting wrapped around the axel of shame and I don’t want to to do that.
• Stop: expecting people to make an effort when I haven’t asked them for what I want or need. People are not like servers at a restaurant; friendships are not occupations with clearly outline daily tasks and routine duties. What nonsense. If I’m not comfortable asking for what I want or need, I should really be asking myself why. If I’m frustrated or disappointed that they don’t reciprocate behavior I do for them, I should probably examine my motives for doing those things in the first place. Turns out, modeling behavior is a pretty poor way of communicating what you want from someone. Better to just tell them.
• Stop: willfully maintaining blind spots in order to avoid taking responsibility or accountability for undesirable outcomes or even just lack of results.
• Stop: co-existing with unsolved problems because the discomfort is manageable or because confronting the issue will temporarily bring greater discomfort. This is stupid. Be a problem solver and fix shit. Make shit better. Don’t settle for limping along. Do the work.
• Stop: spending money on other people. Spend your time and attention on them instead. [An aside: I think how this is written is probably controversial. Plenty of people in my life will tell you their love language is gifts. I’m not bothered by that. My problem is that I tend to be far too causal about spending money on other people, which makes it not thoughtful, not intentional–so, not a gift–and therefore less meaningful. Gifts are gifts. Money is for bills.]

That seems like a lot. There are definitely more. I should stop picking at my face. Stop reading the news before I go to sleep. Stop just moving stuff to the basement instead of finding a proper place for it… But this list was definitely more interesting to write about.

It’s been so long since I wrote for myself that it feels unnatural. Time to start again. I’m going to try to write just to write; to enjoy the process; to explore words and language and thought again–not unlike I do with cooking and baking. The experimenting and the learning is the best part.

This most recent birthday was an occasion for deep gratitude. I made plans with friends and family and enjoyed a full week of celebrations, big and small. This was one of the best birthdays I can remember and it’s because I made it happen. I took responsibility for my own joy and I had a great time. I’m so appreciative of everyone who joined me. And I learned how important and effective it is to just take charge of making what you want a reality.

Some of my relationships collected dust or atrophied or wilted or rusted, or whatever sign of neglect is most visceral to you. Initially, I could have blamed the pandemic. I think that excuse has expired and anyway, I’ve found it more useful to reflect on the relationships that I want to have, the kind of friend I hope to be, and the ways in which I can succeed in caring for my friends and family. I do think it’s really important to reflect on moments or patterns of failure. I want to take responsibility and be accountable for when I’ve fucked up, especially when it affects someone else. There’s no reason for me to wait until Yom Kippur to reflect, evaluate, and repair. It serves me best as a sort of deadline. None of us should procrastinate when it comes to atoning.

This is not going to be a Yom Kippur letter to everyone and therefore to no-one. I’d much prefer to write as a way of working through ideas I’m still tangling with. It will be a jumble of thoughts because I don’t care to organize this, rather I prefer to just let it flow and I can revisit and refine my thinking as I go forward.

I had a really emotionally messy conversation with a friend with whom I share a romantic past. This is a person I love and care for deeply, but our relationship has not always been comfortable for me. After about a year apart, we reconnected and it was beautiful and awful. Without delving into the painful conversation (I don’t want to do that here), I do want to capture some of the concepts that the conversation helped me express with more clarity.

• I cannot expect or demand that another person will think the way I do, feel the way I do, or understand things the way I do
• I cannot expect or demand that another person think, feel, or understand things the way I want them to
• I am not obligated to adopt the thinking, feeling, or logic of someone else
• Nobody else is obligated to adopt my thinking, feeling, or logic
• I can’t assume that my way of thinking, feeling, or understanding is better or more correct
• All I can do is make an effort to understand someone else’s experience and invite them to understand mine

Most importantly, I maintained my resolve and refused to settle for less than what I want, nor did I accept less respect and consideration than I believe I deserve and have more than earned. Nobody will look out for my mental-emotional safety; I have to do that work myself.

Okay, that’s actually a nice segue into another thought that I have fixated on for much longer than just the past year. A person cannot outsource their happiness. Now, this is where I shift from my own learnings born of personal experience and instead share some of the convictions formed from observing friends struggle and flail. Other people cannot be your source of happiness. You cannot make it someone else’s job, obligation, responsibility, or duty. If you know what you need to be happy, handle it for yourself. That’s your job. If you’re not willing to do the work for yourself, ask yourself why? Be a problem solver, be an investor, be an advocate, be a committed ally for your own self.

This continues to be a difference of personal philosophy between me and at least two friends. I see them place the onus of their happiness on a partner and I should admit that it makes me angry. I find it morally deplorable. To me, it is a way of setting a trap for your partner to test whether they fail. If the partner succeeds, my friend is happy, but ratchets up their expectations without communicating them. If the partner fails, their is some sort of perverse satisfaction in my friend’s perceived evidence of victimhood. They seem to do some kind of insane emotional math that confirms they give more and do more and the partner just takes and takes and never appreciates. It offends me. It seems manipulative, dishonest, and lazy.

I recognize how judgmental this is and that I must remember that I can’t expect other people to take the same approach to life, relationships, or communication that I do.

[Note on 1/9/23 – I didn’t end up coming back to this, but I’ve committed to writing *and* publishing, so I’m posting it anyway]

I live in a very suburban spot with wide streets and a nearby grade school and a nearby public park with baseball and soccer fields and a dog park… there are people and families strolling all the time. More so now that going for a walk has taken on new value for us all. Even before quarantine, I always made a point to wave or say hello to folks in the neighborhood.

Today, when I went out to the mailbox, I encountered neighbors I’ve seen walking quite a bit recently: a young nanny and two little girls, one just a baby in a stroller. I always wave hi, so I felt pretty comfortable walking near them (six feet!) to put my outgoing mail in the box.

As I set the flag up, the little girl on foot says, “What are you doing?”

ME: “I’m mailing a postcard to a friend. You know how we’re all staying at home to make sure we are healthy and happy? That means I don’t get to see my friends for play dates. So I thought I would send some cards. It’s fun to get mail, don’t you think?”

DARLING GIRL: “My mommy lets me pick up the mail with her sometimes. I ride my bike every day. When I grow up I can ride my bike with my mommy. A bike is fun and fast.”

ME: “I love riding bikes! I’m so happy you get to ride every day! How old are you?”

She pauses to work on holding up the correct amount of fingers. This is tricky. I am patient. The nanny less so.

NANNY: “You’re two.”

DARLING GIRL: “I will be three soon.”

The nanny rolls her eyes. “Soon,” and time in general, is a loose concept for kids. Not their fault as adults abuse the vague nature of “soon” all the time with kids.

ME: “You’re two? Wow, you are very grown up. I thought you might be older than two.”

DARLING GIRL: “I am not grown up yet. This is my Elsa jacket. It’s pink, not blue, because pink is my happy color. Blue is Elsa’s happy color.”

Oh my god, I need a happy color. What is my happy color?!

ME: “It’s a fantastic jacket. And I love your shoes.”

Her shoes are two pink glitter bombs, somewhat resembling high-top Chuck Taylors, but entirely made of sparkle and magic and while I know the sole is rubber, the upper might be the skin of Care Bears or even a My Little Pony, I don’t know, I just know that they are not of this earth.

DARLING GIRL: “These are my outfit shoes!”

She points her toe out to display the left outfit shoe and rotated it carefully so that the light could catch all of the glitter.

I don’t exactly know how to articulate what an Outfit Shoe is, but by God, that single toe point with the rotation to display the glory of so much pink glitter… I GET IT. OUTFIT SHOES. YES.

I could feel my joy: that part of my heart that misbehaves and makes my face do things I can’t control like grin with all my teeth whenever I see a fat dog or a photo of a polar bear or kids wearing Hanna Andersson pajamas in public as real clothes or old people doing anything… etc.

Outfit Shoes are the whole point.

Two years old. A philosopher.

Quarantine has brought me knowledge in the form of DARLING GIRL.

Tomorrow I will begin my quest to find my happy color. And I am ready to embrace Outfit Shoes. And Outfit Earrings. And Outfit Sunglasses. And… and… and…

Last year, I hosted Seder for the first time ever. I had family and friends over to celebrate in my own home, which I had purchased only a few months before. I was not in great health, but I’d already started down the warpath to wellness and I was determined to pray with and feed some of my loved ones for just one night.

My grandfather had passed away only weeks before and my family was heartbroken and suffering. Although we have never openly embraced the concept of God, nor have we ever, to any degree, embraced formal religion (we’re what you’d call traditional or cultural people), the Haggadah that I used for last year’s Seder had an awful lot of “God talk” in it. In fact, it was remarkably God-heavy for something called “the Haggadah of Liberation” and for being peppered with illustrations stolen from Lewis Carroll’s Through the Looking Glass.

Somehow, despite our family culture, it was comforting. The God talk still made me uncomfortable, but the concept behind it–the idea of a power beyond our ability to reason that was benevolent and cared for us–that was comforting.

It was a very emotional celebration, but it brought comfort and reassurance when we all very much needed it. Passover is a holiday that celebrates faith: trusting something that you cannot possibly understand–God. Believing that you and your people will survive, that the hardship will lessen, that you will one day flourish, that God will provide.

When we are mourning, we must trust that it will get better. We must believe that one day it will hurt a little bit less. That we will again be able to smile, to laugh, to feel happiness. We must believe that our departed loved one is in a better place, that they are free of pain, that they are comfortable and at rest. We must believe without knowing. That’s faith, right?

This year, Passover will take on special significance again. We are enduring a new plague. The hardest hit will be the folks with jobs in service of others. To survive, we must act collectively. Stay home. Care for one another by staying home. Stay home. Stay home. Stay home.

While the Hebrews, enslaved in ancient Egypt, had to GTFO in hurry, we all have to shelter in place. But, it’s not that different! This is about collective, cooperative action. This is about following the directions you are given to ensure your survival and the survival of your people. Let staying home be our lamb’s blood. Let us undertake a collective action to do as we are instructed. Let the coronavirus pass over each of us.

This is not a one-at-a-time, at-your-own-convenience situation. This is ALL OF US TOGETHER. This is a the-sea-is-parted-and-we-best-haul-ass-at-once-all-together-if-we-want-to-survive kind of situation. Today, going to together to save ourselves means staying home. It’s a community pact to undertake the same action at the same time, the same commitment for the same length of time, the same consideration for one another until we are in the clear and safely delivered to the promised land.

Only through the collective action of a community can an entire people be saved. If you’re not about faith, that’s fine. Please be about common sense. Please be about logic. Please be about reason. Please be about kindness and empathy and patience. Please.

Also, the fact that yeast is sold out everywhere is hilarious and fitting and the appropriate timing of this with Passover, aka the Feast of Unleavened Bread, is absolutely not lost on me.

So I’m not hosting Seder this year. But I am dearly looking forward to the process of writing my own Haggadah. I think that I should allow and welcome the emotional conditions of our current global health crisis to influence and color the content.

I will prepare food. I will read my homemade Haggadah. I will set the Seder Plate and welcome Elijhah into my home, but nobody else.

I will eat. I will drink wine. I will pray. I will probably facetime my family.

And I will look forward to next year. When we are all safely delivered.

I read an article last night–as close to clickbait as the New York Times gets for me–about weight loss. (Read it here.) As one could predict, it offered zero novel insights, very little by way of advice that one can take immediate action on, and reiterated how difficult and long the process is. Not motivational for me, more along the lines of “You already know what you have to do, so this is your fault.”

However, that’s my own source of personal shame, a seemingly endless font, providing tone for an article that was actually meant to be positive. The key takeaway was that lifelong habits take time to develop and rigidity can make that impossible. Building wellness into your life includes the valuable practice of how you carry on when you make choices or take actions that are not in your very best interest. Carrying on. With the commitment, with the plan, with the goal.

As I pursue good health and wellness after thyroid cancer, I’ve learned to manage a blend of some rigidity, plus some really aggressive routines, plus some important life-long habits I’m trying to build, and some stuff that’s pure aspiration.

In some cases, like with taking my daily medication, I consider this behavior a rule and without negotiation. I put in the time to identify the right tools and to rigorously follow my own rules to help me accomplish as close to perfect execution as possible. But the key is that I focused on just one thing. It also helps that if I miss a day, I feel like absolute hell.

Physical fitness is critical to my well being. Yes, there’s a physical health benefit–obviously. But moving my body, pushing my body, doing physically hard shit, is a big part of maintaining my mental health. I set a goal for myself to do something strenuous five days a week. I lift twice a week with a trainer. Working with a trainer is an investment I’ve made in myself for life. A trainer helps me with more than just accountability and what to do, this is a person who has partnered with me to help me take care of my body so that I can rely on it long into the future. I’ve had six knee surgeries, a hip surgery, three abdominal surgeries, and thyroid surgery. I also have a modest collection of injuries that haven’t been repaired that I simply maintain to the best of my ability. Learning to keep my body tuned so that it’s functional and feels fine (pain management through fitness is real!), this is an everyday commitment. My trainer helps me with this in a very necessary capacity. I need someone to cue me when my mechanics are incorrect. I need someone to think about how my body works and how to make it work better so that I don’t have to. All I have to do is show up and work hard. And it’s absolutely worth it.

But I have to listen to my body too. I do have injuries. I’m not that young. And I have a serious health condition that I must manage every day for the rest of my life. So if I’m hurting, or exhausted, or something isn’t right… I’m going to adjust. Sometimes that means my trainer and I scrap the intended program and adapt on the fly. Sometimes it means taking a TRUE rest day, even when it wasn’t scheduled. I’m in it for life, so while every day counts, I have to think about how that day contributes to my overall goals for health and wellness.

Nutrition is my dullest tool. I really love food. But, more dangerously, I really love EATING. The act of eating itself is deeply satisfying to me. Unfortunately, this means I will overeat even when the food is mediocre. Even when the food is not good (especially when it’s free). So mindful *eating* is something that I am practicing. I’m not good at it, but I’m trying. So when I want something that is calorie dense and maybe not the most healthful option, that’s fine… I just need to take the care to slow down and really savor it so that the satisfaction lasts a lot longer. Then I find I don’t need to repeat the indulgence quite so often.

And then, the next day, I don’t over-correct. I just carry on.

So maybe I’m doing some of the stuff that this article says to do. And deep in my gut and somewhere in the back of my brain, I know that it’s going to take a very long time to get to my goal and a shitload of discipline and patience. And I still want a magic pill.

But today, I didn’t get up on time. I didn’t do my workout on time. I got up late. I ate breakfast. I made tea. I did some work. Then I gave myself a window and I put on my bike tights and a sports bra and went to the garage. I gave myself permission to stop early, to give it less than full effort. But the requirement I imposed on myself was to just fucking do it. Show up for myself. Honor the commitment I’ve made to my health. Just do something.

And I did the full hour. And I tried. And it was uncomfortable. But I did it. And tomorrow I’ll lift. And on Friday it will be that much easier to go into the garage and take care of myself.

In an effort to keep my mental-emotional health in good shape for the un-quantified time to come in quarantine, I am committed to the daily self-care routines. This includes, but is not limited to, working out regularly, excellent personal hygiene, skincare, getting dressed, feeding myself, and tea–lots of tea.

I’m too shy and private to post makeup selfies or even outfit-of-the-day photos. I might be able to work up to it at some point. I am aware that this is a somewhat ridiculous hangup to maintain considering I have zero readership (unless my bff Joslyn happens to be checking back in, in which case, oh I love you). I guess that could be a goal through this house arrest… work my way up to the confidence for makeup and ootd selfies. Such lofty goals, no?

Skincare routine of the day:

From left to right, in order of use:

1. Kate Somerville Goat Milk Moisturizing Cleanser
2. The Inkey List Vitamin C – it’s fine, I usually use it for travel, but when I opened my medicine cabinet it fell out, so I used it today
3. Drunk Elephant C-Tango Multivitamin Eye Cream – This is a great eye cream, I have sensitive, dry skin and I am fussy about my eyes. I like this one, among others.
4. The Ordinary Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5 – This is a staple
5. Clarins Double Serum – a good and reliable serum, something I keep as a fallback or “daily driver” but not necessarily a problem fixer
6. Augustinus Bader The Rich Cream – Obsessed. My skin really likes it.

Lipstick of the day:

From right to left:

1. Chanel Le Volume in black – The queen of mascaras, my queen.
2. Clarins UV PLUS Anti-Pollution Broad Spectrum SPF 50 Tinted Sunscreen Multi-Protection in light – This is one of my most relied-upon products. It’s a great sheer tinted sunscreen that I use more often than anything else.
3. MAC Powder Kiss Lipstick in A Little Tamed – Joslyn, mentioned above, and I each bought this color on a Nordstrom adventure together. It looks good on both of us and we have incredibly different skin tones, eye color, and hair color. It’s beautiful, it’ll make you feel beautiful.
4. Charlotte Tilbury Lip Cheat lip liner in Pillow Talk – By the photo you can clearly see that this is a well-loved and oft-used lip liner. It’s fairly universal.

Parting thought of the day:

My benevolent employer has extended our work-from-home mandate to April 7, 2020. Who’s surprised? No one. However, it is odd to me that they’re being so conservative about the length of time. Schools in Washington State are closed until April 24… so something’s gonna have to give way here.

So, sticking to the plan, here’s what’s on the docket for today:

Activity	Score
Wake up at the same time – 5:00am	YES! I did it!
Work out	YES! I did it!
Eat breakfast – make something at home	Success!
Morning pot of tea	Success!
Shower + full skincare routine	Success!
Get dressed – wear something special	Half-credit – nothing really special
Mascara + lipstick	Success!
Eat lunch – make something at home	Success!
Take a walk – 30 minutes	Success!
Re-pot that poor orchid on the kitchen windowsill	Nope.
Fold laundry	Nope.
Eat dinner – make something at home	Success!

Mostly out of curiosity, this morning, after my workout, I went to a restaurant supply warehouse. It’s in an inconvenient location, nowhere near any residential areas… but it was very picked over. The guys there said that small restaurant folks are coming in to get all the delivery/takeout containers, but that their cleaning supplies and hand sanitizer stock was wiped out early by “a bunch of hysterical white ladies.”

It was a good reminder that while restaurants are restricted to takeout and delivery, we should consider how and where we spend our money. It’s important, during an unpredictable economic strain, to be thoughtful about finances. We can’t count on job security. We can’t count on anything. So being mindful about spending is smart.

Watch the temptation of online shopping. Be considerate of how much you really need to stock up on (I MEAN REALLY). Having savings is going to be important. Having cash to invest while the stock market is struggling isn’t a bad idea either, but you better make sure you’re covered first. Keep the debt low, pay your bills, save as much as you can.

But, please do look out for your local entrepreneurs. Get takeout from the taqueria (I will be, at least once this week), or the teriyaki spot you love, or even see if your favorite bar is able to do takeout of whatever gastro-pub goodness they might still be making. Just please don’t spend your money at the Taco Bells, the Subways, or the McDonalds. Those places are going to be fine. Plus, they’re the worst perpetrators of creating risky conditions for employees and customers. They don’t offer paid sick leave. READ, LEARN, CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR. Also, please keep the independent places alive. Give them a shot. They’re part of our culture, our communities. We need them, right now they need us.

Seattle is on lock down. My gyms (all three) are closed, so my daily structure is forcibly changed for the foreseeable future. The company I work for has mandated that we work from home through March 25, though I expect that this will be extended. Restaurants and bars are to be closed, starting today, though takeout and delivery are still permitted. Social gatherings are restricted to 50 people or fewer. Non-essential businesses are required to close unless they can meet established health requirements.

Our culture will change. Our communities will change. We are going to experience tremendous loss, in so many aspects of life. As daily life changes, I think it’s important to pay close attention to mental-emotional health, physical health, sleep, exercise, and self care. This is going to be a pretty experimental process. I am an avid news reader and I tend to consume even more news coverage during peak news eras–like now. I’ll try to share articles that offer interesting analysis, insight, recommendations, or information relevant to sustaining quality of life while we’re all observing responsible practices during the global health crisis.

Here’s what I’m trying today:

Activity	Score
Wake up at the same time – 5:00 am	Failed today – 7:55 am wake up
Work out at the same time – 6:00 am	Failed today – see above
Shower + full skincare routine	Success! (see details below)
Get dressed, wear something special	Success!
Mascara + lipstick	Success! (see details below)
Eat breakfast – cooked at home	Success!
Enjoy a pot of tea (am)	Success!
Eat lunch – cooked at home	Success!
Enjoy a pot of tea (pm)	Nope, happy with just one
Go for a walk – 30 minutes	Success!
Eat dinner – cooked at home	Success!

Skincare routine of the day:

Left to right and in order of application:

1. Kate Somerville Goat Milk Moisturizing Cleanser – This is a staple–my favorite morning cleanser
2. Kate Somerville Liquid ExfoliKate Triple Action Resurfacing Treatment – I’m not in love with this, but it’s kind to my very sensitive skin
3. Origins Dr. Andrew Weil For Origins Mega-Mushroom Relief & Resilience Soothing Treatment Lotion – I’ve just started using this with some regularity, so no judgement yet
4. Inkey List Caffeine Eye Cream – Meh. It was there.
5. The Ordinary Hyaluronic Acid 2% + B5 – This is a staple
6. Sample of Indie Lee Stem Cell Serum – I used this for the first time today, so no judgement yet
7. Augustinus Bader The Rich Cream – After snagging multiple samples, I decided to purchase a full-size bottle of this exceptionally expensive moisturizer–but I waited till I had a 20% off code… I like it too much.
8. Jordan Samuel Soothing Facial Oil – I’m not decided on this, but I’m going to stick with it for a while longer before making a decision

Mascara and lipstick of the day:

Left to right:

1. Urban Decay Perversion Mascara in black – it’s fine
2. Charlotte Tillbury Hollywood Flawless Filter in shades 2 and 3 – I mix these together because even though this is not foundation, it’s what they call a “complexion booster” or something like that, and it’s super sheer, I still think I’m in between shades
3. L’Oréal Paris X Isabel Marant Color Riche Lipstick in Pigalle Western – First time wearing it! It’s very bright and cheerful, which I needed.
4. MAC Pro Longwear Lip Pencil in Dynamo – Apparently this does not exist anymore… ugh.

First, I apologize. I do understand clearly the necessity of observing social distancing, self-managed quarantine, and responsible and hygienic behavior in general. I read every credible article on this pandemic that I come across. I consider myself informed. I have a minor science background. I understand the gravity of our world health crisis.

I went out last night. To dinner. We acknowledged the irresponsibility of it. We washed our hands multiple times. We received the breaking update that Governor Jay Inslee would be ordering all restaurants, bars, fitness clubs, and non-essential businesses to close (restaurants can still offer to-go and delivery). We knew that this was the last hurrah for a while. We ordered dessert.

I’m sorry. I am taking this seriously.

In considering what life will be like under house arrest, the value of building routines, stimulation, and opportunities for creativity cannot be understated. So, I’m going to try to write again regularly. While it may be conceited and of little use to anyone else, I’m going to try it anyway.

At dinner we half-joked about building an editorial calendar to keep us productive during quarantine. It’s not a terrible idea. It will be motivational, possibly self-affirming. Who knows? Might as well try.

So, here it goes.

I’ve been spending too much time sifting through furniture posts on craigslist. I thought it would be a smart approach to furnishing my home to look for used pieces–reduce the amount of crap made in the world by not buying new stuff, and potentially save some money. I haven’t bought anything yet. I lack the motivation inspired by discovering something I simply can’t live without (yet have managed to live without for this long).

Tonight I suddenly remembered how I once used craigslist for a purpose completely different than buying/selling property. I used craigslist to broadcast.

It started with a passing appreciation for the “best of craigslist” posts. Then I thought it would be so clever or possibly so romantic (or at minimum, “cute”) to write notes to my then-boyfriend via the missed connections or w4m sections. Then we broke up and I used it to write notes of heartbreak, spite, confusion, and loneliness. Then I wrote some true missed connections posts (I must have started dating). Then I wrote some personal ads just for the sake of reading a bunch of responses. Upon reflection now, more than five years since the last of these, all of it was simple attention seeking.

Honestly, most of what I wrote was total crap. But the emotions behind some of the posts are so overt, I’m made uncomfortable reading them many years later. Only a significant amount of pain could persist for as much as eleven years.

One of the most amusing to me is a somewhat aimless personal ad I posted in 2013, when I was unwittingly taking early steps toward an adult life. I had just started a job that would lead to a career path. I was on a collision course with past irresponsibilities that would result in an expensive lesson in accountability. I would soon be in the best shape of my life. A trusted acquaintance would attempt to rape me. I would feel the happiest I’d ever been as a single woman. A beloved friend would abandon me because of unreconciled hurt feelings and poor communication habits (on both sides). I would make great decisions and terrible decisions.

Growing up is this hideous mix of great accomplishments and shattering defeats. They do not balance out. They just mold you into the deformed grown-up you’re sort of fated to become. It’s all very rotten.

Here’s the best/worst part: I’ve managed to not fulfill this list, despite investing myself substantially in a relationship since writing this (my partner did not meet the criteria below and the relationship has ended). Enjoy this embarrassing gem I posted to “women seeking men” on craigslist in July 2013:

I’m finally ready to ask for help

I’ve been single for a while now. I spent the last year traveling and have always found long-distance relationships both inconvenient and unsatisfying. I balk at accountability and hoard my independence. I’m not completely horrible: I love to take care of my partner and am always generous. But I’m stubborn and willful and I don’t like to ask for help.

Yesterday a bulky man in a beard slammed into me during a tag play at home plate. It’s softball, and there’s a slide rule, but he was either not coordinated enough to slide or he’s an asshole. I took a forearm to the face, thought my nose was broken, and had to wait for my brain to settle back in my head and my eyes to focus. I played the rest of the game–and the second one after that–but softball with a concussion is just not as much fun. Turns out neither is the rest of life.

So I’m ready to ask for help. I’d really like somebody who will ask me kindly how I am feeling without it seeming intrusive, suspicious or fussy. I’d like somebody who will bring me a cold glass of water and two Tylenol and just set them down in front of me without judgement. I’d like somebody who will make sure I don’t die of a brain aneurysm in my sleep–but in a non-accusatory way. I’d like someone who has my best interests at heart, without being pedantic.

I’d also like somebody who will find the humor in a concussion and will come up with clever–but not hurtful–jokes about brain damage. Somebody who will make post-concussion plans with me for bike rides, hikes, sailing and swimming in the lake. Somebody who will go camping with me for days and won’t care that I don’t shower because he smells worse. Somebody who reads–for fun. Somebody who will smile with great pleasure when we disagree because it’s an interesting and informative discussion and not intimidating or frustrating argument. Somebody who doesn’t have to win and enjoys my success as much as his own. Somebody who is unconditionally encouraging and supportive, without being condescending or saccharine. Somebody who laughs with his whole body.

It would be great if this somebody also:
Likes baseball movies, pony movies and Back to the Future
Knows how to swim (this is pretty important)
Enjoys traveling and not the vacation type, but rather adventure
Reads, for fun
Likes to attempt new challenges like learning to play a new sport, instrument or to speak another language
Likes animals–specifically dogs and horses
Will go to the opera with me (if not because he’s a fan of opera then because he likes to see me dressed up)
Will eat at taco trucks without fear
Loves family