I’ve been spending too much time sifting through furniture posts on craigslist. I thought it would be a smart approach to furnishing my home to look for used pieces–reduce the amount of crap made in the world by not buying new stuff, and potentially save some money. I haven’t bought anything yet. I lack the motivation inspired by discovering something I simply can’t live without (yet have managed to live without for this long).

Tonight I suddenly remembered how I once used craigslist for a purpose completely different than buying/selling property. I used craigslist to broadcast.

It started with a passing appreciation for the “best of craigslist” posts. Then I thought it would be so clever or possibly so romantic (or at minimum, “cute”) to write notes to my then-boyfriend via the missed connections or w4m sections. Then we broke up and I used it to write notes of heartbreak, spite, confusion, and loneliness. Then I wrote some true missed connections posts (I must have started dating). Then I wrote some personal ads just for the sake of reading a bunch of responses. Upon reflection now, more than five years since the last of these, all of it was simple attention seeking.

Honestly, most of what I wrote was total crap. But the emotions behind some of the posts are so overt, I’m made uncomfortable reading them many years later. Only a significant amount of pain could persist for as much as eleven years.

One of the most amusing to me is a somewhat aimless personal ad I posted in 2013, when I was unwittingly taking early steps toward an adult life. I had just started a job that would lead to a career path. I was on a collision course with past irresponsibilities that would result in an expensive lesson in accountability. I would soon be in the best shape of my life. A trusted acquaintance would attempt to rape me. I would feel the happiest I’d ever been as a single woman. A beloved friend would abandon me because of unreconciled hurt feelings and poor communication habits (on both sides). I would make great decisions and terrible decisions.

Growing up is this hideous mix of great accomplishments and shattering defeats. They do not balance out. They just mold you into the deformed grown-up you’re sort of fated to become. It’s all very rotten.

Here’s the best/worst part: I’ve managed to not fulfill this list, despite investing myself substantially in a relationship since writing this (my partner did not meet the criteria below and the relationship has ended). Enjoy this embarrassing gem I posted to “women seeking men” on craigslist in July 2013:

I’m finally ready to ask for help

I’ve been single for a while now. I spent the last year traveling and have always found long-distance relationships both inconvenient and unsatisfying. I balk at accountability and hoard my independence. I’m not completely horrible: I love to take care of my partner and am always generous. But I’m stubborn and willful and I don’t like to ask for help.

Yesterday a bulky man in a beard slammed into me during a tag play at home plate. It’s softball, and there’s a slide rule, but he was either not coordinated enough to slide or he’s an asshole. I took a forearm to the face, thought my nose was broken, and had to wait for my brain to settle back in my head and my eyes to focus. I played the rest of the game–and the second one after that–but softball with a concussion is just not as much fun. Turns out neither is the rest of life.

So I’m ready to ask for help. I’d really like somebody who will ask me kindly how I am feeling without it seeming intrusive, suspicious or fussy. I’d like somebody who will bring me a cold glass of water and two Tylenol and just set them down in front of me without judgement. I’d like somebody who will make sure I don’t die of a brain aneurysm in my sleep–but in a non-accusatory way. I’d like someone who has my best interests at heart, without being pedantic.

I’d also like somebody who will find the humor in a concussion and will come up with clever–but not hurtful–jokes about brain damage. Somebody who will make post-concussion plans with me for bike rides, hikes, sailing and swimming in the lake. Somebody who will go camping with me for days and won’t care that I don’t shower because he smells worse. Somebody who reads–for fun. Somebody who will smile with great pleasure when we disagree because it’s an interesting and informative discussion and not intimidating or frustrating argument. Somebody who doesn’t have to win and enjoys my success as much as his own. Somebody who is unconditionally encouraging and supportive, without being condescending or saccharine. Somebody who laughs with his whole body.

It would be great if this somebody also:
Likes baseball movies, pony movies and Back to the Future
Knows how to swim (this is pretty important)
Enjoys traveling and not the vacation type, but rather adventure
Reads, for fun
Likes to attempt new challenges like learning to play a new sport, instrument or to speak another language
Likes animals–specifically dogs and horses
Will go to the opera with me (if not because he’s a fan of opera then because he likes to see me dressed up)
Will eat at taco trucks without fear
Loves family