Self awareness is tough. It’s uncomfortable. It’s humbling. It’s often, frankly, embarrassing. Shame is a weird monster.

I, like so many people, make my list of things I want to accomplish in the new year. A fool’s shoddy blueprint to become the person I wish I were. Thin. Fit. Organized. With perfect liquid eyeliner every single time.

So yeah, those are all pretty superficial representations of who I want to be. And when it comes to communicating who I am to the world, they really don’t get the job done. Certainly not in comparison to the effort they require of me. And, as Wayne from Letterkenny says, “If you can be one thing, be efficient.” So what are the commitments I can make that will do better work for me?

You know what the trick is? Stop doing dumb shit.

In addition to my list of goals and commitments that are new or constructive, I also have my list of shit I want to leave behind. Here’s what we’re not doing: bringing our tired bullshit into 2023.

This is going to be difficult; it will require patience and consistency. It will require tenacity because slipping, reverting, regressing is easy to do and such a challenge to overcome. I’m sure my sisters would have more than a few things to add to this list (some of my close friends too), but here’s my draft:

• Stop: venting to a friend when I’m angry. I don’t think anyone benefits from this exercise. There’s no reason to burden a friend with my frustrations. It’s an indirect way to process anger that doesn’t often produce real understanding and usually has the potential for collateral damage. It can tax friendships, it can harm my reputation, and it provides a false sense of power. It’s a way to bolster self-righteousness and avoid personal introspection. A good friend, and I’m lucky to have these, will push back and force me to examine my anger and determine what genuine thoughts and emotions it’s masking. But this is work I should be doing on my own. When I do that work myself, I can create an opportunity to engage with my friend on a more intimate and genuine level. I know that there is value in letting off steam, but I want to prioritize the quality of my relationships and using friends to manage my temper is a poor investment.
• Stop: ruminating on painful or uncomfortable emotional experiences. It’s one thing to reflect on something confusing or baffling that can be worked through and potentially understood (like a philosophical problem or reading a novel in a second language), but dwelling on a conversation or experience because of the emotional response I had, spending time trying to rationalize or, worse, justify the emotional reaction is a total waste. Processing communication or thoughts in order to understand myself and identify areas where I can improve my cognitive abilities can be valuable. Ruminating on feelings of sadness, embarrassment, insult (etc.) is a waste or time and energy. To be clear, it is important to reflect and process. Ruminating is different. It is getting wrapped around the axel of shame and I don’t want to to do that.
• Stop: expecting people to make an effort when I haven’t asked them for what I want or need. People are not like servers at a restaurant; friendships are not occupations with clearly outline daily tasks and routine duties. What nonsense. If I’m not comfortable asking for what I want or need, I should really be asking myself why. If I’m frustrated or disappointed that they don’t reciprocate behavior I do for them, I should probably examine my motives for doing those things in the first place. Turns out, modeling behavior is a pretty poor way of communicating what you want from someone. Better to just tell them.
• Stop: willfully maintaining blind spots in order to avoid taking responsibility or accountability for undesirable outcomes or even just lack of results.
• Stop: co-existing with unsolved problems because the discomfort is manageable or because confronting the issue will temporarily bring greater discomfort. This is stupid. Be a problem solver and fix shit. Make shit better. Don’t settle for limping along. Do the work.
• Stop: spending money on other people. Spend your time and attention on them instead. [An aside: I think how this is written is probably controversial. Plenty of people in my life will tell you their love language is gifts. I’m not bothered by that. My problem is that I tend to be far too causal about spending money on other people, which makes it not thoughtful, not intentional–so, not a gift–and therefore less meaningful. Gifts are gifts. Money is for bills.]

That seems like a lot. There are definitely more. I should stop picking at my face. Stop reading the news before I go to sleep. Stop just moving stuff to the basement instead of finding a proper place for it… But this list was definitely more interesting to write about.